The other night at work a Mexican lady came through the register with a few summer dresses for a young girl. One dress didn't have a price tag or anyway to find out how much it was. In her broken English she said a few times that her friend told her it was $4. Normally, these brand new summer dresses are $20 and no way would be on clearance for $4 which is what she was claiming. I sadly had a little bit of doubt of her integrity on the claim she was making. But I was willing to accommodate and give it to her for $8 and just scan another dress and change the price. Well, while sifting through the dress one last time I found a little tiny tag with a UPC number and punched it in. And guess what? The dress ran for $4. I was amazed. Then the customer said, "See? I am not a bad woman." I stood corrected and actually quite happy that was the case.
Yesterday, the census called again offering a different position, similar to the last of working in the office but I'd be an office clerk (don't really know the difference). I accepted it making sure I wouldn't have to work Sundays. But I have a conflict that it is 40 hours a week and will conflict with Kohl's. I told my boss today that I was given another job offer and he was quick to be accommodating to this new temporary job. It was actually quite a relief to know that he was quick to offer to help. He mentioned that he wanted to make sure they could keep me. It's nice to feel wanted.
I wish I could express some of the void feeling I have. It's like part of me is just not there. It makes me sick to my stomach, literally. Sometimes when I pray or read my scriptures the feeling gets worse. I realize that I know the principles of the gospel, but do I apply them as well. I need greater faith. That faith makes the atonement more real the more I have. I can't expect to be truly happy just by simply living the commandments. I have to live the commandments with more sure knowledge and faith that it is right. Which I do know it's right, don't get me wrong, I just need more faith. It needs to turn from something like this:
To more up close and focused:
I do know that everything will be ok no matter how hard things may be. I just to rely more on Him and what all of this life journey is all about. I know He is my Savior. I know He lives.
But if ye will turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in
him, and serve him with all diligence of mind, if ye do this, he will, according to his own will and pleasure, deliver you out of bondage.
Mosiah 7:33
Aww Scott I just want to be there and give you a big hug. The part where you talk about feeling the void and where a part of you just feels as though it isn't there... I pray that you find the peace that the Lord spoke of in John (14:27?) Peace not as the world giveth, give I unto you... I know that He is aware, I know that the purpose of this life is to provide the opportunity for us to become like Him, and so it is as Elder Holland spoke of in Missionary Work & the Atonement... that we must each take a few steps toward Calvary...Scott, I know there will be times that we wish to cry out, O Lord where art thou... but we truly do stand with the greatest lives ever lived when we do--Jesus Christ, Paul, Job, Joseph Smith--these and many other great poeple have all at times expressed such sentiment... and I know that as Paul spoke of the fellowship of the suffering of the saints... it is truly in our infirmities that we become acquainted with and attain faith sufficient to yeild eternal life... I put your name on the prayer roll. :) I love you my long lost friend, but even more importantly I know the Lord loves you.
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