A Brief Middle East Movie Review

After watching the designated films in my Humanities of Islam class my eyes and mind have been opened to not only to foreign film but also to issues that never seemed of great importance. Throughout the semester I have been anticipating the films to watch for the class; I guess you can say I love a good movie with a strong message and these films have been exactly that. Osama, Leila, Paradise Now, Color of Paradise and the rest have been great influences; they inspired me to watch a movie that was not assigned of which was called Stoning of Soraya M. (2008) which depicts the dramatic true story of a wife being falsely accused of adultery by her husband just so he could take a younger wife that leads to her death by stoning. Soraya’s story left me in complete shock with a greater desire to do something about this treachery. Soraya’s story on film and many others have played a huge impact on individuals and me to change my view from of little importance and knowledge to an impactful understanding to not only want to learn more but do more. Using the films listed above I would like to share how my feelings and impressions have changed with the following issues: women’s rights in Islamic states, Palestinian/Israeli conflict and family values in Islamic culture.

Women’s equal rights have always been an issue throughout the whole world. I always thought of myself as a respecter of woman but never thought the issue of women’s rights in the Middle East was of great importance. In Islam, it is easy to view Muslim women as oppressed, but I have come to learn that the majority of Muslim women are happy with their lives, wear the hijab, etc. because they want to; but there still are sad and depressing cases of women being oppressed. It was because of this assumption that I realized in CNN’s journalist John Blake’s article about the hijab the following is stated by a young female Muslim, “‘My mom says a girl is like a jewel. When you have something precious, you usually hide it. You want to make sure you keep it safe until that treasure is ready to be found.’” But even with the ability for women to do things happily, some women still feel oppressed. In the movie Osama, we see that under the Taliban reign women are strongly oppressed, there is no sense of freedom or even joy. Osama, a young girl that pretends to be a little boy so she could earn money, and other women were oppressed to wear entire body coverings, not allowed to work to pay for food, captured and imprisoned for protesting for greater rights. After Osama was found out to truly be a girl, we saw the despicable treatment that Taliban had for women who opposed them. One female journalist and women protesters were ordered to be stoned and Osama to marry an old Taliban cleric. Sad to say, the movie did not end happy which I believe was the point director Siddiq Barmak, showing the tragedy of women in Afghanistan and under the Taliban rule. This helped me realized how much I appreciate the United States opposing the Taliban and other similar organizations through military strategy. It opened my eyes to now be more active supporter of women’s rights.

For the movie Stoning of Soraya M. I knew that it was rated R and I have never been an R rated movie-watcher before, but after much discussion in class and the desire to see things for the deeper value in them I decided to watch it because I wanted to become more knowledgeable of the issue of women’s rights, especially after seeing Osama. As you see a community run by men and their ability to be deceived by a man who just wanted something for himself, you begin to gain a quick understanding that this situation is wrong. The deceiving led up to the stoning of Soraya, which the movie showed in graphic detail, and in the end the husband couldn’t marry his new wanted wife so all his lies and deceiving were for nothing. It showed the unrighteous judgments cast upon women in an Islamic state without justice. In Iran; where the movie takes place, Sharia law is enforced, and though stoning was abolished in 2008 (the same year the movie came out) as a form of punishment for adultery, in just the last year there were 34 recorded stonings in Iran. This is only the recorded accounts of stoning; how many more have happened that are not recorded? After I finished the movie I went to my bedroom and wept like a little child. If it had not been for films like this I may never have come to know more of the struggles women go through.

In Palestine you see the continuous tumult and distress over the Israeli occupation in the Palestinian lands. For 60 years Israel has occupied the territory once filled majorly by Palestinians but in 1948 Jews around the world were given a state of their own. Today, there is great contention between Israel and Palestine from peace talks, bull dozing homes, and suicide bombers. Though my overall opinion on this subject has not changed drastically, I feel more confident and solidified of my position and more capable of sharing my opinion than before. Paradise Now is a movie that helps exemplify the struggles two young Palestinian men go through on whether or not they should fulfill their missions as suicide bombers. This movie gave a greater insight as to why Palestinians would even contemplate the idea of blowing up innocent people. You see the thought process behind the characters Said and Khaled, the two chosen to do the deed; both at one point were unsure if they should do it. Suha, a mutual female friend of the two was able to bring in a different option other than blowing themselves up. Suha is a Palestinian but from France and Morocco and I believe this gives her have an outsider viewpoint of the issue between the Israeli’s and Palestinian’s. She makes the claim that blowing each other up will not accomplish anything but more death and anger. Though Said does end up committing the deed, Khaled does not and I believe this gives the idea that it is possible to get around the anger and hatred around this conflict. The director of the movie, Abu-Assad, makes this true statement; "The film is an artistic point of view of that political issue. The politicians want to see it as black and white, good and evil, and art wants to see it as a human thing." I believe in this statement and Paradise Now exemplifies the inhumanity of this conflict. I believe the more this conflict is made aware by various forms, one of such is film; the world will begin to help this conflict and see that greater humanity is needed from both sides.

          Lastly, I have learned a great deal about family morals in the Islamic culture through the films we viewed in the class. Islamic family values are very similar to the Latter-day Saint perspective. In The Color of Paradise I saw a view I had not seen in any other Middle Eastern movie which showed the grandmother or “granny” having a great measure of love shown to the grandchildren. Usually, most women, if not being oppressed are busy bossing other people around; this is what I have seen in my own experience with Muslim women. It changed my opinion of that poor stereotype and I became open to the idea of women to being more caring. The film follows the experiences of a young blind boy who is in tune with his feelings and feelings of others, particularly his father the has to learn to appreciate his son for who he is. For the father to learn to love his blind son was what seemed to fit something my friend from Jordan already learned that taught me a lifelong lesson. I recall a time when my friend Mohammad from Jordan was here at BYU studying law, he brought his wife and two young children. He did not know much of how to get around, so he wanted to buy a car. I offered to help him find one and during this time I learned a great lesson that reminded me of my own father and the Latter-day Saint family values. One night after seeing a few cars to buy I mentioned that there were some good options, but he was not happy with them and said, “The car must be able to protect my family and be sturdy. I do not want to put my wife and children in any harm’s way.” It was at that moment that I realized what he said was true and Muslims cared about their families just as much as any good Latter-day Saint family does. I think most people in the United States do not comprehend the idea that people in the Middle East they are loving and kind towards their family.

Film has always been a big part of my learning process and though these films are not all true and maybe a little dramatized like most Western films I learned a great amount about the importance of women rights in the Middle East, the Israeli and Palestinian conflict and the values of the family in Islamic culture. Each of these, though different topics, are connected because they help create a greater understanding for social issues in the Middle East. Most of us Westerners do not comprehend all of the hardships that take place there, and maybe not all will ever be able to because it is a different world, way of thinking, traditional practices, full of different religions that seem conflicting to our own but this does not mean we cannot try and desire for a better world where understanding of each other’s differences and similarities can solve the issues of this world. 

The Name of God

After going to a friends church a few times, I noticed one thing that was done differently than in my own (besides the fact there was a rock band and the entire church service was only 20 minutes long) and it was the prayers. They were heartfelt and sincere but they missed the teaching of praying in His name, Jesus Christ.

We are commanded to pray in the name of Christ as Christians. 

2 Nephi 33:12 

And I pray the Father in the name of Christ that many of us, if not all, may be saved in his kingdom at that great and last day.

2 Nephi 32:9 

But behold, I say unto you that ye must pray always, and not faint; that ye must not perform any thing unto the Lord save in the first place ye shall pray unto the Father in the name of Christ, that he will consecrate thy performance unto thee, that thy performance may be for the welfare of thy soul.

Tonight, I watched two of the hardest movies I have ever watched before. Both showed the extremes of two religions, Judaism and Islam, being in great persecution by their own or by others. In one, while one was being stoned, the many false accusers yelled out, "Allahu Akbar" which means "The Most Great God." Allahu Akbar is a Qur'anic statement often said in prayers and recitations throughout Islam. Bismillah is another common term. Both show the great respect of God's name. In Judaism and Christianity, we have names Jehovah and Elohim. In LDS doctrine we believe Jehovah to be Jesus Christ and Elohim to Heavenly Father or even Jesus Christ's father. As I heard these men yell that phrase my heart broke knowing that they thought what they were doing was in the name of God which in fact the name of God was taken in vain. The woman was stoned to death because of false accusations due to her husband simply wanting another wife. The religious leaders who were corrupt to begin with allowed this false accusation to take control of the city hidden far away in the mountains of Iran. There was no earthly righteous justice to come to this woman. But there was God's justice. Even though, this wicked and wrong-minded men used "Allahu Akbar," "Allah is the greatest," a true statement of righteous heavenly judgement for this woman for surely Allah (God) will give her exactly that. 

I wonder what it means to God when we call upon him. I gave a blessing last week to a sister in my ward in which the blessing I spoke of her ability to know that her Heavenly Father loves her, to which I said her "daddy" loved her. Even our perfect example Jesus Christ used this as He was upon the cross: 

Mark 14:36 

And he said, Abba, Father, all things are possible unto thee; take away this cup from me: nevertheless not what I will, but what thou wilt.

Abba referring to a Hebrew or Aramaic word most commonly translated to "daddy." Jesus Christ understood His relationship with His Father. Do we? We will not understand it as Christ did in this life time, but are we growing closer to our Father in heaven? Do we pray each morning and night? When was the last time you had a sincere prayer? After these two movies (which I viewed one after another) I went to my room and weeped as a little child because of the great hold Satan has upon this world. 

It is almost surreal to realize, growing up in this time of the world and living in the United States, living in a country of freedom of religion, equality is greater here than anywhere else. Do I fully comprehend my relationship with God? Have I been so blessed and ungrateful for it to become blind to my relationship with God? I was born in the Latter-day Saint faith and consider that a miracle to which I do not understand why me but I often try my best to see the world through God's other children's view and understand the true meaning of God's eternal plan for each of us. I am only beginning this long journey and pray I may continue to be led by His Holy Spirit. 

I am grateful for my God and His tender mercies. I am grateful for prayer and how it allows me to speak to Him anytime I want. I am grateful to know the plan of happiness and to have that eternal perspective. I am grateful for my loving family and the amazing joy I receive from them. I am grateful to be spiritually led to study Arabic and the Middle East. This decision in my life is not understood by most but the inspiration came from Father himself. I am grateful for my membership in the church, of which I understand more and more what it really means. 

Allah, Elohim, Jehovah, El Shaddai, Adonai, Jesus Christ, Prince of Peace, God, Heavenly Father, Daddy, is all the same to me. 

Stay In The Light

Stay in the light. Yes, that's what I said. Last Saturday night I went to the Provo Temple and as I was sitting in a sealing room I noticed the beautiful wall paper that was there. The design was of floral design - vegetal plants interwoven within each other, but then I noticed that where the light from the lamps on the way were not showing you could not see the floral design. The rays of light showed the beautiful attribute of the wall while where the light did not shine directly on the wall paper you could only see the whiteness of the wall with no design. This thought came to me as a parallel of what it means to be in the light: The light is the gospel of Jesus Christ, keeping the commandments, and following the prophet.

In life we have our times of happiness and joy. No matter how hard we try to do everything right, things still go wrong. It is then evident why it is important to be in the "light" or the teachings of our Savior Jesus Christ; namely through his servants, the prophets. Jesus Christ has always used messengers or special witnesses to share His teachings so that we may have a guide or a map to lead us back to our Heavenly Father. Noah, Abraham, Moses, Isaiah, Peter, John, etc. are some examples of God's prophets. Today we have a living prophet. Currently this is Thomas S. Monson and he follows the examples of the prophets before him. 

Preach My Gospel describes the role of a prophet well:

"Truth is a knowledge of things as they really are, were, and will be. It does not change with conditions or time. Truth is the same in every age and culture. God is the source of all truth. We can have faith in Him because we know He will teach us only truth. God wants all His children to know the truth. Therefore, He reveals the truths necessary for salvation through prophets and apostles. He reveals truth to us personally through the scriptures and personal revelation.

A prophet is called and chosen by God and is a righteous man with great faith. The Lord reveals truth to him through the Holy Ghost. He commands His prophet to teach truth to all people. Those who believe God’s words as revealed through His prophet are blessed. Christ’s Church is built on the foundation of apostles and prophets, who direct the Church by revelation. The Lord called Joseph Smith as the first prophet and head of this last dispensation. His successors who lead The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints today are also prophets and apostles. The President of the Church today is a living prophet. We are to have faith in God’s chosen prophet, gain conviction of his divine calling, and follow his teachings.

We have frequent opportunities to sustain Church leaders publicly. Sustain means to support. We are to prepare ourselves so that when the prophets and apostles speak, the Holy Ghost can confirm the truths they teach, and we can then determine to follow the counsel they give us.

Those who listen to and follow the counsel of living prophets and apostles will not go astray. The teachings of living prophets provide an anchor of eternal truth in a world of shifting values and help us avoid misery and sorrow. The confusion and strife of the world will not overwhelm us, and we can enjoy the assurance of being in harmony with God’s will."

It is my testimony that no matter how hard life may be - if we feel lonely, sad, lost or distraught - that if we heed the teachings of a true prophet of God we will be able to conquer the adversary even when he sends his best against us. It is important to know that when we follow the prophet we have the promise of the Lord's strength on our side and we can live after the manner of happiness. May we all live in the light of our Savior.

Tar and Feathering of the Prophet Joseph Smith

As of lately, I have been reading the Joseph Smith Papers. It is compilation of the words, writings, teachings, of Joseph Smith. I cannot express my great gratitude towards this man. It was his sacrifice that allowed us to receive the restored gospel in our day. I decided to write down the dramatic experience of Joseph's tar and feathering in Hiram, OH March 24th, 1832. Not too many people know about the specific details that went on. Thanks to the help of Susan Easton Black and some further research of my own, I compiled this amazing story of personal sacrifice of the prophet Joseph Smith. 

While Joseph Smith was in Hiram, OH he was betrayed by a fellow friend and member of the church, Symons Ryder. Symons fell away from the church after Joseph Smith spelled his name wrong which is still spelled wrong in today's edition of the Doctrine and Covenants. He began to be irritated with all that Joseph had going on for him, he was worried a temple would be built next to his farm and would not have anything of it. On March 24th, 1832 Symons says this is the night Joseph dies. He sends letters to places all around Hiram, to all those that despise the prophet and the Mormon church. The men that volunteer know that close to midnight, they are to meet in the brickyard of Hiram. When the men get to the brickyard, they become drunk with whiskey as to be out of their minds to accomplish their plans of murdering Joseph.

Because of jealousy, pride and anger sixty men plot to kill Joseph Smith in the night. Twelve men approach the house of Joseph and Emma. Joseph and Emma are laying in the front room with their two newly acquired twins who were ill. Suddenly Emma begins to hear what she thinks is knocking against the house, like a tree blowing in the wind. Within a few moments the twelve men broke through the front door into the front room and Emma wakes Joseph up by screaming "Murder!" After the scream the twelve men are now beginning to grab Joseph. One of the men, Warren Waste, whom had prior to this event bragged in the saloon about being able to take down Joseph, made a mistake. He grabs Joseph's right leg, which is the strong leg, and is kicked in the face so hard that knocks Mr. Waste out of the front bedroom out onto the front porch. Years later, Mr. Waste was asked if Joseph was a prophet. He said he didn't know about that but he knew that he was the strongest man he had ever tangled with in the Ohio's. Another man in the room, Carnit Mason, grabs Joseph's head and eventually grabs his hair. He pulls so hard on his hair that he pulls out part of Joseph's scalp. Years later, a short man and an ancestor of mine Levi Hancock, was walking the Streets of Nauvoo and saw Joseph. Levi said to Joseph, "Joseph, I understand you lost part of your hair in the tar and feathering, could you show me?" Joseph bends over and shows that yes, Joseph was missing part of his scalp. Levi Hancock is my ancestor. 

Eleven of the twelve men now succeed in taking Joseph outside. They get him out to the porch. Warren Waste is now standing up after being kicked in the face; he is bleeding tremendously from the wound. He notices the blood on his hands and is very upset. He chokes Joseph trying to strangle him; he does so until Joseph loses consciousness. The interesting part about this is that the other mobbers are the ones who stopped Mr. Waste from killing Joseph, because they wanted Joseph to die another way, they already planned a premeditated murder. Joseph is now taken about thirty yards farther from the house. When Joseph regains consciousness he now sees all sixty men around him and there he sees his stride, Sidney Rigdon. Sidney was pulled out of his home by his feet and hit his head on the frozen ice causing it to bleed profusely and was lying in a pool of his own blood; Joseph thought his friend Sidney was dead. For the first time now, Joseph speaks to his captors and says, "You will spare my life won't you?" At which point, they say, "Call unto your God for mercy, for we will show you none." 

They now take him 30 yards further and take off all of his clothing except his shirt collar. It used to be back then that men's shirts were flat without collars, but the important people would put on a collar to show respectability, much like we do when we enter church in a suit and tie. Joseph, once naked, is then put on boards and suddenly he is introduced to the man who had been determined to kill him, Dr. Dennison. Dr. Dennison was the doctor that delivered baby Joseph in Sharon, Vermont December 23rd, 1805. Dr. Dennison was known for saying, "If I had known what this baby would become I would have smothered the gus." Dr. Dennison was planning to kill Joseph by castrating him. He has a knife in his hand and comes close to Joseph. As he comes closer to Joseph, his hand with the knife begins to shake and he eventually drops the knife. This was the plan of the mob to have Joseph be killed by castration but they had back up plans in case their first plan did not work. Once the doctor drops the knife, he pulls out of his pocket a vile of nitric acid. The doctor's plan is to put this nitric acid into Joseph's mouth and have him swallow it. Once it is swallowed it causes a cruel death of burning the body from inside out. The doctor attempts to put this small vile into Joseph's mouth, but Joseph keeps his teeth clenched very tightly as to not let anything pass through. Between the clenched teeth and the pushing so hard with the vile, one tooth or another will be broken off. It is not until 1843, when a dentist joins the church in Nauvoo, Joseph will get his teeth fixed. From 1832 to 1843, you could always tell Joseph was preaching because he had a whistle. 

Once the vile was dropped, the mob wondered how do they kill him? All of a sudden you hear, "Symon, Symon, where is the tar bucket?" Some run to get a tar bucket, some break into the home of Sidney Rigdon and grabbed pillows. Joseph now describes that a man fell on him like a mad cat and scratched him well. When the tar is ready and the paddle is put into his mouth, Joseph has no fight left. He knows he is going nowhere and he is done. They splash the tar all over his body and throw the feathers from the pillows over the tar. The last Joseph heard was, "The Mormons are coming." When you say the Mormons are coming, you have Orin Porter Rockwell and similar members who are there to protect Joseph. The mob disperses and leaves Joseph for dead in the street. 

When the tar was put into his mouth, Joseph fell unconscious. He regains himself and rips out the tar of his mouth, when he does so he loses consciousness again. Joseph later regained consciousness and crawled back to the front porch of his home. He discovers Emma and the future Relief Society sisters walking and worried on the porch. Joseph is not happy to have company. Joseph now yells to Emma, "Throw me a blanket." Emma is sure it is Joseph and looks towards the direction of the voice spoken, she sees the tar on him and concludes that it is blood and faints straight onto her back. Emma is helped by the other sisters there and Joseph receives his blanket. Many men come to find Joseph and see him at his home. The men then excuse the ladies from helping Joseph and send them to take care of the sick children. They then pull out their knives and begin to scrape away the tar off Joseph's body. These were not normal knives, they were corn husker knives, thick bladed and dull. 

The next day is church and Joseph speaks as usual, no matter what happens to him, it seems he preaches the gospel. After church, they break the ice on the river and Joseph baptizes three people. In coming days, Joseph and Emma lose one of their twins very likely because of the freezing air that entered the home when the mob came. Joseph and Emma had already lost three children prior to this child. 

Joseph Smith is a prophet of God. No greater man has ever lived and done a greater work, save Jesus Christ alone. I love Joseph; he is my brother and friend. Through the song, "Praise to the Man" (my favorite), we learn that "sacrifice brings forth the blessings of heaven." Joseph sacrificed everything to do the will of God, to bring the restoration of the gospel in this last and great dispensation. And now we see the blessings in this church because of what Joseph sacrificed. What can we learn from Joseph? What are we doing to sacrifice so that we too may have the blessings of heaven unto ourselves and unto the rest of the world? 
Millions truly have come to know who Joseph Smith is a true prophet of God and millions and millions more will still come to learn. Praise to the man Joseph Smith and his endless glory with the almighty God.

The "Magical" Slinky

Before I left back for Utah, my nephews Jack and Elliott were fighting over who got to play with this small slinky. I of course intervened and decided to stop it by putting it away, up high to where they couldn't see it. They didn't seem to notice that I put it away but after a little while I realized that we could have a little fun with this slinky after all. So I grabbed the slinky running up to Jack and Elliott and said, "Jack, Elliot. This is a magical slinky, one that can take us to anywhere in the world. But only if we are kind to each other and work together to overcome the hard things we have to go through." Their eyes lit up as they got excited when I began to say we were swimming in the ocean when all of a sudden a shark started to circle us. "Oh know!" Jack said. "We must get to the boat so the shark can't get us." So we all quickly ran into a bedroom and closed the door. It was a place of protection; a place where nothing could get us. "Phew, we're safe. Nothing can get us in here" I said. "I'm going to go outside and stop that shark" Elliott said with determination in his face, fists clenched with one on each side of his face as if he were going to try to intimidate the shark. So we left the room, creeping foot by foot down the hall way until Jack, who was holding the "magical" slinky, said "Oh no! An angry set of Vampires had shown up at the front door wanting to come in. We quickly ran to push against the door so they couldn't get in. The vampires were too many for us, they pushed the door wide open. Elliott jumped back and began to be scared running in circles. Jack ran and grabbed his hand yelling for us to all run back to the safe room. So we did. And we barely made it, too. "Ok guys" I said, "we now each have to take a hold of the slinky and pray that all will begin to disappear, that everything will be peaceful again in the house." Jack began to offer a real prayer. We went back outside and guess who showed up? Grandma Gemmell :)
When it was time for me to leave for Utah shortly after that experience I remember Jack wanting to play with the "magical" slinky again. Sadly I didn't have time as I had briefcase in hand. But they can be sure to count on it when I get back.

Elliott and Jack looking at a june beetle

Elliott and Jack raking the leaves with grandpa

Sometimes we fret too much in this life and not put enough trust in God. Ezekiel 37

Fret not thyself because of evildoers, neither be 

though envious against the workers of sin...

Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for him:

fret not thyself because of him who pospereth in his way,

because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass.

Cease from anger, and forsake the wrath:

fret not thyself in any wise to do evil.

Ezekiel 37: 1, 7-8

Yesterday I was reading Nephi's prayer and desire to have no more sin in his life. He says this:

O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh;

my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities. I am emcompassed about, 

because of the temptations and the sins which easily do beset me. 

And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins;

nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted...

Behold, he hath heard my cry...and by day have I waxed bold in

mighty prayer before him; yea, my voice have I sent up on high; 

and angels came down and ministered unto me...

Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart,

and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.

2 Nephi 4: 17-19, 23-24, 30

There is much more to it but I think you get the point. Trust in God no matter what; whether it is your fault or because of someone else's fault that things go wrong, because that's just how the world works. During time here in college you can get very stressed. (Just like any other phase in life it seems.) And when you are stressed you are not often very happy. Not very joyous and excited for others. This last weekend was general conference. It was a wonderful conference, I was privileged to watch it with a few friends and roommates. I learned a lot about trusting in God and believing Him. To believe Him you must humble yourself. I've learned that my mistakes are from my pride. But I know that God can forgive you and I if we are but believing - trusting - hopeful - happy - not fretting (or worrying). Nephi states this: "O Lord, wilt thou encircle me around in the robe of thy righteousness!" We can put on that robe of righteousness each day. I think I will buy robes for my kids and give it to them during a Family Home Evening and teach them the importance of righteousness. 

As my nephews and I played with the "magical" slinky we found out we had a place of refuge from all hardships. I have come to find that to be my Savior and keeping His commandments. 

For a current update: Life is great, I have so much to do but I am really happy. Sure, I don't have everything I would like, some of those make me sad, but it's a great time to come rely upon God more. That's the whole purpose, right? Classes are fascinating, I am learning a lot about my field of studies. I love the Middle East and it's rich culture. I am still social through library study gatherings. I started doing the P90X with a friend in my ward each morning at 6 AM. That really is some hard work but I think it will eventually pay off. I do it to be active, I don't need the muscles but I also don't want to be super skinny. My ensemble groups are getting better, I love being able to still play music. I love and miss my mission tremendously. And most of all I still love and miss my family.